These two days were really difficult. It’s like junior high all over again when failing was then one of my niche. I hate this feeling. It’s as if my learning capacity peaked one year back and now I’m on the other end of the decreasing function. But this time round, I tell myself that there’s no time for tears; I (tried) keeping a positive mindset, or maybe not, idk. Anyway I wasn’t too caught up with the grades and all, but the fact that I’m really trapped in this death pit of helplessness, I’m seriously clueless on how to help myself?? And every time I face my disappointed parents…I feel real bad. I guess they want, but can’t, help me in any way, and that just leaves me even more exasperated as it reflects (badly) on how much I actually did put in. But I swear, results can never be tantamount to the amount of hard work I put in these days. And hence the horrible, and inaccurate, reflection of me through the results slip. Anyway in all these disappointment, I stumbled across this article that depicted how I (somewhat) truly felt; pardon his/her English, ‘cos it’s what he/she meant that matters most:
“There are some things that are hard to take in life. this is one such thing for me. In fact by miles it is the biggest thing for me as I have never ever come so close to accepting something this unprecedented.
Passing the final year and being a doctor is a dream that everyone cherishes. I see my friends so happy. Its a landmark. but I am left behind. that landmark would come to me 6 months later now. For what? Did I not deserve to pass the exam? May be I will not discuss that as it just brings pain.
but let me tell what’s bringing me more pain than the result of the stupid exam.
The fact that I don’t get to be a part of the celebrations.
The fact that my mind keeps wondering what people will think of me now.
The whole idea of suddenly things can change when you least expect. Here it was for bad [the worst].
And there’s the fear of the unknown.
I don’t want to cry any more. I cried enough. each time I made myself believe that I have the grasp of things to come. but every now and then my mind wonders how different things might have been. but then this is the ground reality. I got to live with it.”
A few days back I had freedom, then now it’s just depression. Blurgh, can this cycle end already?
P!NKunif☮rm. 