Month: November 2014

I Need A Hug…

Posted on by pinkuniform

I knew it, my parents have no mercy. I hate to say this but, do they not know how to ‘put oneself in the shoes of others’? I mean, what’s up with all the rush and pressure to go find a part-time job? Previously they were so freaked out that I’m spending more than half my life in school for CCA, school-related programs… and want me to be home (and be a mommy’s boy) sooo badly, even accused me of treating home as a hotel?? Have promised not to rant, but I can’t hold it in anymore? pent up frustrations are the worst to digest.

NOW I CAN’T EVEN STEP OUT OF THE HOUSE C’MON because all that matters is all the busfarespendingtoomuchtimeneverhelpbrother…and what not. I feel like I’ve been depicted as though my purpose on this earth is to slog all day and toil all night. Rules are rules, yes I understooded that for the umpteenth time, and I do agree no doubt. But what’s causing my frustration is the fact that I am hindered from doing things that I’ve interest in, while consigned to some nightmare that I’ve zero interest in. And regarding looking for a job, I was originally excited to be a tutor (if I can be one tho), but after all that continuous (& irritating, I’m sorry) “so what’s your plan?” “So you’re gonna spend your next few months before NS slacking away?” convo-openers, I got tired. Not tired of searching for a job per se (I will find a job with people I enjoy being with, not spending my day rotting in the house), but tired of all the constant repetitive chivying from them. And of course I know the “but 这都是为你好…” package that will be coupled to my complaint of their nags.

All I can say is that if we’re truly living out the ‘ A house is made of bricks and stones, a home is made of love alone” motto that is framed up on the wall since forever, I’m living in a house. I’m just so so thankful that I made it through the tough period without falling ill, crying myself to sleep, etc…, and on day 1 of what’s left of liberty, I’m framed by my parents of being a statue – idling my life away. Just wow. And I was quite sure that parents were a gift from God to guide. Yes, guide; not enforce what they can’t achieve on their child, or what they’ve achieved decades ago (that may not be relevant today) on their child for that matter.

To quote some personal development website, “…Parents do all this not to get any benefit from their children, but only with the hope and belief that their children will become pious, educated, and respectful to their parents, useful to their family, society, country and a living example of success.” If I can’t be whatever ideal child they’ve aspired me to be, I’m sorry, but allow me some space, I beg, to grow in the direction I wish; and yes I’ll do you proud in a different way from what you deem being successful is. And please, it’s not always about the dollar and cents that you’ve gotta nitpick everytime, because everyone needs as much enjoyment as the amount of time spent slogging off. And enjoyment (unfortunately) comes with costs. After a hard day at work, what gives you the enduring strength is to be blessed with a family that you know you can count on. Similarly, what more do I need than for understanding parents to give me some breathing space.

I’m not eight, I’m eighteen. But that doesn’t mean I’ve disrespected you by voicing out how I feel / what I truly want, albeit sometimes quite crudely. It hurts every time I say something that’s abstract, not realllyyy pleasing to the ears (and usually that has to do with costs/money/enjoyment), and immediately I’m labelled as a sinner for “disobeying my parents”. I don’t know why I’m always getting caught up in false dilemmas. Be it ‘disowning family by going out with friends’, or ‘recklessly spending cash whenever I step out of the house’.

However, I’ve still got to admit, I love my family (esp. both parents) very very much regardless of all the ☝️ ‘flaws’. Because they’ve always wanted the best for me and never fail to keep me ‘on track’ whenever I steer away in the past. But, I guess now that I’m a lil’ older than how you wish I would remain forever, I need space. I need a hug. now.

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.” I need a home with much care, not a house that cause me more despair.

Oh and BMAT results were disappointing overall 😕 but thanks to whoever helped me for physics, I did pretty well for the scientific knowledge part (in my own opinion). I wish A level results will be better??? 😛

Sad 😢

Posted on by pinkuniform

Down with the last written paper for A levels and I’m not even feeling a teeny weeny bit of happiness. After every paper, the uncertainty/ambiguity within me builds up. I’m always having the bad feeling that PW will be my first and last “A” that I’ll every see on my results slip. I hate this feeling..(I mean who doesn’t?)

If I don’t fare well for As, not only have I let myself down, but I’m certain that this disappointment will ripple through my entire family (grandparents included). As much as I know that results won’t prove anything more than the ability to keep calm during exams / study hard / revise well and what not, I know at least I’ll/they’ll die a lil inside momentarily then we’ll be back to living our usual (or maybe not) lives.

Call me a pessimist; but deep down inside, everybody knows where they stand. Ultimately, we’ll have to face reality, like in a couple more months. I’m afraid (who isn’t?). Not afraid of the poor grades per se, but afraid of falling below expectations, afraid of the future…

I went home from the exam hall today feeling extremely uncertain. Truth be told, uncertain about my chemistry grade.

[Before I go on, I’ve to admit that Ms Loh has been an angel throughout this exam period and pre-exam preparation season. Non-stop consultations plus small classes for ‘needy’ students, she has done her part no doubt.]

The first (few) things I did when I went home was to redo the questions I did for paper 3. And yea, like what most people said, it wasn’t difficult after all. I only can just smile while they con’t to brag talk about how these questions were so do-able at first glance. And there I am just smiling..smiling…smiling bitterly, ‘cos deep down I know I’ve made an ocean full of silly errors. And by careless mistakes, I really mean dropping three or four grades purely by committing silly mistakes here and there in the midst of my panicky. I really don’t know and wouldn’t want to underestimate the bell curve just for that momentary comfort, ‘cos reality’s gonna bite back, harder. But there’s nothing I can do now since it’s over.

Haiz, I still thought (foolishly) that I was most prepared for chemistry papers. Considering that strong competition, for math & chem, I only can hope (with God’s grace) that I can pull through with decent grades.

They say that they’ve given their best. But what’s ‘best’ when other’s are better? It’s really tough not to compare yourself with others when every single JC student takes up a minute but still significant spot in that bell-shaped curve. To put it crudely, Come to think about it, It’s almost like ‘one’s failure is another’s success’.

I’m not exactly sure what happened to the Jeryl that I know 2/3 years back. It’s really depressing to see my grades dropped so much (so quickly). I’m some backwash now. I’m sad. I’m afraid.

😕

/on a side note, was considering the few courses to my liking and hey if I can’t get into that piping hawtt fav faculty, I (hope) I have grades good enough for life sciences, biomed science??? 🙏/

It’s okay.

Posted on by pinkuniform

Finally over with the first week of papers. Life can only get more insipid with more papers coming up. Speaking about life, I can’t seem to fathom why I chose question 10 out of the other sane questions that I could have attempted (and be peaceful, rather than fighting the war of uncertainty till today). “Getting what one wants in life is what matters”. I guess it doesn’t matter as much as what reality foists on every single one of us. Yes, some people may have it their way while others can only suck it up, but ultimately what connects the two is reality. Let’s face the fact: reality is has to be cruel. It’ll be pretty unthinkable for the world to support a place filled with people who are chasing their dreams at all costs; yet even more inconceivable for people wandering about without a goal in life. So I guess the delicate balance is for people to have wants, and for reality to fulfill those wants, because it will only matter as much to a single being as it does to the rest of the world.

But reality’s algorithm works in such a way allowing some to turn the tables (on its own cruel system), it’s called sheer determination. As much as my superficial instincts tell me, determination is quite different from “chasing their dreams at all costs” in that the latter suggests certain degree of recklessness, while determination could sometimes imply achieving one’s wants by being adaptive in tight circumstances. And this ties in nicely with how I feel after having completed 2 out of 5 A level subjects (GP & math). Honestly, I am not looking forward to the following year (and I still thought 2014 could finally close the chapter of all the sadness/bad results/conformist school rules…). Not sure how merciful the bell-curve is, but I’d prefer not to bank on such ‘false clemency’. And besides “say no to idolatry”? (yes I heard you cz) Whatever the outcome, regardless if I can get into my desired faculty, or get the job that I want, or… I believe I’ll get what I want, be what I want, with, not the number of ‘A'(s)/’B'(s)/’C'(s) [plural subjected to availability] I score, but with who I am, how I adapt and be contented for what I have. And I guess, grades will remains as those few life-changing alphabets, expectations will after all remain as expectations, the only one thing that doesn’t remain is our perspectives (i.e. what we want in life)…who knows fifteen-years down the road I’ll be sitting at a blue table waiting for that rascal who booked a bio consultation with me, while thinking: “was 6 ‘A’s really all I wanted in life then?”